Guilt

Never cheat.

I still have dreams about what happened before Mike and I got together. Too chicken to talk to anyone about it. Hence blog.

I have the same dream every time. My dream goes fine, normally like a dream. Just random stuff. And then, suddenly, there she is. Standing in the middle of my dream. And in my dream I smile and give her a hug and make conversation until I jolt awake with his heavy ass guilt weight on my chest. I don't know why I do the same thing every dream. I think it's because I want to know she doesn't hate me. Even though I haven't seen her since Senior Prom. Hell, I don't even know if she knows. I'm assuming she does. I'm assuming I'm a bitch and a whore and a liar and a slut in her eyes. I feel like I deserve that though. I feel so terrible for what I did.

It's been over a year.

I'm a terrible person.

Bliss

I haven't been this happy in a very long time.
I love my job. I love the people at my job. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend.
I absolutely love my boyfriend.
Like falling in love all over again. Really stupid and odd and sounds like something you'd hear in those cliche romance movies but honest to God something happened over the past month that just made me ridiculously happy and in love. It's not like I ever was thinking "God I hate him." But I haven't felt this strongly about being with him since the beginning of the relationship wore off.
It's been over a year now. It's so strange. Oo so crazy.
I am a ridiculously happy camper =)
Yay! <3

I haven't been in a good place for about a week. I've been very emotionally sporadic. I don't know why. It's really confusing me and worrying me. I'm kind of angry at myself for stupid things. I try to do things to make me feel better (i.e. writing, drawing, music) but I end up messing something up and getting upset. I feel like writing but everything I put down sounds like crap. I want to draw but every person turns out scratchy and terrible. I tried picking up my guitar but ended up seriously butchering the songs I knew. So I just kind of sat there and did family stuff all day. Lovely.

This:

This is how I want my hair. Now picture it on my head and red.

Yup.

Urrgg...

I feel like a loser trying to do something different that isn't so different from anyone. I'm just bored with myself to be honest.
I'm tired of being awkward at work haha. I'm so quiet sometimes that people don't even know I'm there. And then when I talk, I always end up saying something ridiculously awkward. ("Has anyone ever told you you look like John Krasinski?" "Meh, you're not that big. My brother's about your size." "I don't think I can do this anymore") Bah. In context, they were even more awkward, believe me. I'm just a really awkward person. I get along with the nerds and the social outcasts better than I get along with the normal people. I find it hard to talk to people that I know are...normal. If I find them to be some sort of awkward individual I get along great. I talk about my own awkward likes. I talk about gaming. I talk about my old school likes. And then, I fit my niche, and answer movie questions. I'm not the best, but I can name a fair few actors.
I'm good at my job, I'm not gonna lie. I'm still new, so I'm not great. But I'm definitely not bad. People compliment my customer service so I know that's fine. But that's just being polite to strangers. That's something I can do. It's the communicating to the people I'm confined to a 12 foot space with is what's the problem. Yeah, I get along with most people, but I've been awkward around a good chunk of them.
I'm not normal, and I get that.
I really am not what a college sophomore should be.
I like to sit and write. I like to be alone for the most part.
I get panic attacks in situations I feel I have little control over. Today I had a panic attack at work because I felt like such an outcast.I didn't let anyone know obviously but for about an hour I was shaking. Not good. Anyway...
That's my life at the moment. Being awkward. Wanting new hair. All that jazz.

Whoa...

Look how long my fricken hair was!! Never! Ever! i hate it long. *shudder*
I'm thinking about getting it in a pixie cut. not like side swipe bangs pixie cut either. Like spikey(eh?) pixie cut. I've always thought they were cute. I don't want to look like a lesbian though...
I'm just tired of my boring hair. And I can't get the blue ends I wanted because my work said "....well...I don't think the owner would really...like that." So I asked "Can I do red?" and they said "Yeah, red's fine." BUT I'VE DONE RED!
I'm tired of red turned to orange turned to blond. I hate how it goes blond. Blue stays. And blue stays HARD. Red leaves. And red leaves fast. It bugs me. If red would just STAY I'd be fine with it. But it fades so fast its not even worth it.
I want to cut it because I'm tired of the same hair cut. But I don't want it to look...to be blunt, butch.
Some jump into college by getting tattoos, others get piercings, other drink, other smoke. I do shit with my hair. And I haven't done anything yet. So I'm on the edge trying to do something out of the ordinary.

WORKING CLASS LADY

I'm working now. I'm pretty happy about it. I love my job and at teh same time it stinks. I'm one of those people who freaks out if someone doesn't like them. Basically, I liked everyone at work and get along with all of them. But there's one girl who basically avoids talking to me. And it really bugs me. I realized that she's probably just like me and gets along better with guys because she tends to talk to the guys more than the girls.
Or maybe I'm secretly a bitch and I don't know it. Oh well.
I get along with everyone else though. Everyone's really nice. A few low lifes and an ass hole boss (who on the first day pretty much laughed that I was going to SJSU from Mitty...prick. Now he calls me Shorty. Per...fect.) I have a boss who looks like John Krasinski...only not hot. But he has similar features.

Anyway. First month of bc is over. Now I'm on my period. It hurts.

You know what? Nickelodeon has some frickin STRANGE shows now. Like...seriously disgusting and odd. It's just really weird.
Anyway.

ITS SUMMER TIME! WOO!
AND ITS RAINING!
What the fuck summer. Seriously what the fuck.
Well I'm getting a new phone today. Yay! I have a list of phones to look at and see what I want. I want one where I can get ringtones online for free. Myxer is the best website ever but I haven't been able to use it in over a year.
Boo.

Alright I'm off. Later.

Inteview Break Down

Alright. I did my Sears interview. I was interviewed by Bruce, the manager of the store. He invited me back for a second interview. Aaron said "That's an automatic in! You're already pretty much hired!" And then I told Aaron about the Plaza job and how it'd be closer and better for me. I could tell he was sad. I really do like Aaron. He's a really fun friend. Just scared that I won't be able to see him again after this year. I doubt we'll have any classes together next year. He's gonna be a Junior. And I'm a lonely Sophomore. Oh well.
I had my Plaza interview today! I'm so FRIGGIN EXCITED! He said I had a nice interview and that he'd call me. During the interview, it was all just monotone question after question until I brought up that I was a film major and wanted my degree in film in 4 years. He looked up and was like "You're a film major?" "Yes! I am." "What do you want to do with film?" "I'm a Radio TV and Film major but I want to emphasize on Film with my Creative Writing minor. My dream job is to be a screenwriter." "Well then, this is the perfect job for you, isn't it?" "Yes! Yes it is!" Hahaha. I really want that job. Working in a movie theater (a small movie theater at that) would be so fun! And great opportunities too! I really hope I get this job. Really, really.

Day 1

Pill 1 is down.
Also, I'm better. Everything went well. I feel happy. =)

Interviews

I have an interview tomorrow for Sears in Oakridge. Not my top of the list job but whatever. Thanks to Aaron for telling me about the opening ("We can talk about pokemon if you're in my department!"). But I'm not all that excited about it. First, its far away from me. I never drive to Oakridge because I hate 85 and Oakridge is crazy. Second, I've never really been able to see myself as a department store person.
BUT!
I have an interview for the Plaza Theater in Campbell on Monday at 1 =DDD
I'd REALLY like to get that job. I really didn't think they were hiring. But they were, so yay!
Hopefully i get hired there. Pray for me..

WOO!!!

PIZZA TIME!

Also mom made cookies.
Yum =D

Alright

So following up on my last post.
I'm going to the doctor. Because, I'm just going to say it, it hurt like a mother when I tried to go to the bathroom. Which is both good and bad.
Good: Means its probably not ovary stuff.
Bad: There could be something wrong with my intestine.

So...lovely. I mean its weird because right now, I keep getting cramps along with this pain and I can tell them apart. The cramps are mild, the pain feels like a really tight muscle, but on the inside. The cramps are like "...poke." The pain is like "Hey, you like walking? I'm gonna make that hard for you to do! Awesome!" Bah.

Again, scared.

Scary?

Every since the Plan B incident about 2 weeks ago, I've been having off and on pain in my lower left abdomen and back. I had about 2 days of spotting (with quite a lot of blood) that I think was spotting. Because a period can't last 2 days, right? I need to start taking my pill but I can't until I start my period. So now I'm 1) waiting for my period to start (because if I hadn't had my weird spotting/ very short period thing I would be starting on the 29th) and 2) trying to figure out if this pain is something to me concerned about..

Shit I'm scared. Mostly about the pain. Very slightly over the fact that the condom broke. Since he didn't finish. And I took emergency contraceptive. So, the worry's still there but not fully gone. Just cuz I worry.

Anyway. Long story short, it's been a very long 2 weeks.

hey

I'm not happy.

EDIT: Nevermind. I'm happy again. Thank you Internet.

So this is what I want to do

Please ignore my terrible drawing skillzz. I ain't got no fancy pants photoshop. Also, I don't know where that red dot came from...>>
Aaaanyway.
Everyone's doing their college thing. Getting stuff pierced and drinking and smoking and inking themselves up. I decided I wanted to do a "F-it! I'm in college!" thing. SO! I want to dye my hair turquoise!
=D
*cricket cricket*
Alright I'm not doing to be dying my ENTIRE HEAD teal. That's just stupid. Just the ends! =D
*more cricket*
F-IT! I'M IN COLLEGE!

Late Last Night

I wish I could find that song. It was a song I listened to when I was little. About some guy who would put shoes on his daughter while she was asleep and then she's dream about what she was doing in the shoes. Like ballet and being a cow girl. It was a good song.
Anywho. Story time. A random thing that made my meh day get better.
So last night I went to Kevin's house. Driving there with Mike and Kev, Kevin started to talk about Felicia Day. If you don't know who she is, look her up. She's an actress (a beautiful actress) that used to be an avid wow player and is pretty much just a gamer now. How do I know this? She made a show called The Guild. If you don't know what a guild is, its a dorky thing from wow where you get into a group with...people...and...i dunno the rest. Its a group. On wow. >>
So we're driving and Kevin's like "She's pretty much the dream. That is the dream right there." I nod because, hell, if I was a guy, I'd tap that. Let's be honest. Mike pats my leg. I laugh and thank him for the 'It's okay, you're still my dream' pat.
"No," Mike says. "You are the dream.""I am not."
"No, you're pretty much the dream." Kevin said from the back.

All my nerdiness paid off. Made me feel better about myself.


Also, I painted my nails. They're awesome.

Huh

I'm actually updating regularly. Weird.
Today is just one of those days where you feel like crap. You know? Just a day where nothing's wrong, nothing's right. You just feel kinda down. It's not period stuff. I just feel crappy and slightly alone.
That's about it. I played a game in creating a meaningful life with my class after finding out my teacher has sleep apnia (sp?) and she could have a heart attack 0o. I love that teacher. I'd be so friggin sad if she died. But she said she's not going to die. She just told us to let us know. Scary stuff.
ANYWHOZLE
Yeah. Just not happy today. Yesterday was good but yeah. Just meh.
Anyway.
byes

Cool School

I'll be headed back to school tomorrow...er...today...in 9 hours.
So, I dunno what to do here, people. Nothing to do with school, mind you. Matter of fact, its work. I have to find a god damn job. The website Chanel showed me didn't lead me in any directions. So I failed at that. I need to find a job, whether at Jamba Juice or Starbucks or whatever. All I know is I can't do Noah's. Fucking A! Wake up at 4 in the morning? No thank you. And The Jungle....oh The Jungle. How I'd LOVE to make that much money again. I was SPOILED ROTTEN at that job (only because I worked my ass off. Literally stressed to shit EVERY DAY I was there. Not good.) but it was so demanding. It grated on me. And being the germaphobe I am, no way. Not again. I feel so much better now after a couple months without working there. So much stress gone.
But I need to make some money. I have about $200 left in cash and a little less than $400 in my account. I have about $1000 in inheritance to go in my account while the rest goes to some interest fund I think. Now, that's nice. I have enough money to get by. But I like having money coming in on a regular basis. It scares me not to. *shudder*
Anyway. Long story short: I want a job that isn't The Jungle. The End.
Night ya'll. I got school.

God.

Yesterday was a really good day. I decorated Mike's room for his birthday while he was out as a surprise and then brought him to my house at 8 and threw him a surprise party.
Yesterday was a fantastic day
And today was good too. Until the end.
Today, Mike and I went to a baseball game i had to see for class. it was actually really fun. We had a good time. After we saw hottub time machine. Also really good.
Later, we went to Mike's house and just hung out. He fell asleep so I went on the computer to look at facebook. I type in "f"

fiona's. fucking. blog.

yes. mother fucking fiona fuckign fick's fucking blog.
Obviously, as a person who does have an ex (ish), I know that sometimes you just have to look. its perfectly fine. I don't care. I don't care.
But when that fuckign name came up on that fuckign computer to say I lost it is to say the least.

Mike woke up because I was shaking so damn hard from either anger of seeing her name or that goddamn pit in my chest reopening.

fiona fucking fick

and i told him. and he got upset and tried to lie adn i called bullshit saying the computer doesn't freak out and open websites. so he finally confessed adn sadi yes, i did look. and i told him, okay. that's fine. we all look at ex's. it's just a thing.

just dont. do it. again. or talk to her. or...anything. nothing. just. no.

I calmed down after many apologies, tears, hugs and "i love you"s. we laughed and joked again. I felt better. i went home and festered in my mind for a while and thus birthed this post.

cheese and crackers...



...
and then of course as the stalker i am i looked at it.
>>
URG!
Urg!
urg.
ur.
ug.
okay im done. haven't seem my grammar this bad in a long time.

bah fuck. whatever.
later.

Goths
Circle I Limbo

General asshats
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Rednecks
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

George Bush
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Hipsters
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Oakland Raider Fans
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Osama bin Laden
Circle VII Burning Sands

Scientologists
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Here we are again.

Okay. So as of February 15, 2010, I will no longer be working at The Jungle. Will I miss the people, hell yes. Those guys are awesome. But will I regret my decision?
Hell. No.
The only thing I will really miss will be the money. I made bank. I will say it again: BANK.
*sigh*
Oh well. I'm moving onto bigger and better things. I'll be working with my Mass Communications teacher on this TV program she and another professor at SJSU are putting together. That means things like answering phones, setting up interviews and coming up with ideas for the show. Yes. Coming up with ideas. And if I'm lucky enough, I may get to film =D
I've never really been this excited before. I am so happy to be doing this.

Anyway!
V-Day plans:
Putting up post it notes around my street with random things for Mike to follow. In the beginning, he'll get a plastic vase-thing. Every few yards, they'll be a heart shaped cookie on a skewer to put in his vase. Finally, two houses from mine, he'll get ZOMBIELAND! Then at my house, me on a blanket on the grass for a picnic of awesomeness.
Yup.

Feb. 25: I go to MOFUGGIN DISNEYLAND! YEAYEA!

The End.