Guilt

Never cheat.

I still have dreams about what happened before Mike and I got together. Too chicken to talk to anyone about it. Hence blog.

I have the same dream every time. My dream goes fine, normally like a dream. Just random stuff. And then, suddenly, there she is. Standing in the middle of my dream. And in my dream I smile and give her a hug and make conversation until I jolt awake with his heavy ass guilt weight on my chest. I don't know why I do the same thing every dream. I think it's because I want to know she doesn't hate me. Even though I haven't seen her since Senior Prom. Hell, I don't even know if she knows. I'm assuming she does. I'm assuming I'm a bitch and a whore and a liar and a slut in her eyes. I feel like I deserve that though. I feel so terrible for what I did.

It's been over a year.

I'm a terrible person.

Bliss

I haven't been this happy in a very long time.
I love my job. I love the people at my job. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend.
I absolutely love my boyfriend.
Like falling in love all over again. Really stupid and odd and sounds like something you'd hear in those cliche romance movies but honest to God something happened over the past month that just made me ridiculously happy and in love. It's not like I ever was thinking "God I hate him." But I haven't felt this strongly about being with him since the beginning of the relationship wore off.
It's been over a year now. It's so strange. Oo so crazy.
I am a ridiculously happy camper =)
Yay! <3

I haven't been in a good place for about a week. I've been very emotionally sporadic. I don't know why. It's really confusing me and worrying me. I'm kind of angry at myself for stupid things. I try to do things to make me feel better (i.e. writing, drawing, music) but I end up messing something up and getting upset. I feel like writing but everything I put down sounds like crap. I want to draw but every person turns out scratchy and terrible. I tried picking up my guitar but ended up seriously butchering the songs I knew. So I just kind of sat there and did family stuff all day. Lovely.

This:

This is how I want my hair. Now picture it on my head and red.

Yup.

Urrgg...

I feel like a loser trying to do something different that isn't so different from anyone. I'm just bored with myself to be honest.
I'm tired of being awkward at work haha. I'm so quiet sometimes that people don't even know I'm there. And then when I talk, I always end up saying something ridiculously awkward. ("Has anyone ever told you you look like John Krasinski?" "Meh, you're not that big. My brother's about your size." "I don't think I can do this anymore") Bah. In context, they were even more awkward, believe me. I'm just a really awkward person. I get along with the nerds and the social outcasts better than I get along with the normal people. I find it hard to talk to people that I know are...normal. If I find them to be some sort of awkward individual I get along great. I talk about my own awkward likes. I talk about gaming. I talk about my old school likes. And then, I fit my niche, and answer movie questions. I'm not the best, but I can name a fair few actors.
I'm good at my job, I'm not gonna lie. I'm still new, so I'm not great. But I'm definitely not bad. People compliment my customer service so I know that's fine. But that's just being polite to strangers. That's something I can do. It's the communicating to the people I'm confined to a 12 foot space with is what's the problem. Yeah, I get along with most people, but I've been awkward around a good chunk of them.
I'm not normal, and I get that.
I really am not what a college sophomore should be.
I like to sit and write. I like to be alone for the most part.
I get panic attacks in situations I feel I have little control over. Today I had a panic attack at work because I felt like such an outcast.I didn't let anyone know obviously but for about an hour I was shaking. Not good. Anyway...
That's my life at the moment. Being awkward. Wanting new hair. All that jazz.

Whoa...

Look how long my fricken hair was!! Never! Ever! i hate it long. *shudder*
I'm thinking about getting it in a pixie cut. not like side swipe bangs pixie cut either. Like spikey(eh?) pixie cut. I've always thought they were cute. I don't want to look like a lesbian though...
I'm just tired of my boring hair. And I can't get the blue ends I wanted because my work said "....well...I don't think the owner would really...like that." So I asked "Can I do red?" and they said "Yeah, red's fine." BUT I'VE DONE RED!
I'm tired of red turned to orange turned to blond. I hate how it goes blond. Blue stays. And blue stays HARD. Red leaves. And red leaves fast. It bugs me. If red would just STAY I'd be fine with it. But it fades so fast its not even worth it.
I want to cut it because I'm tired of the same hair cut. But I don't want it to look...to be blunt, butch.
Some jump into college by getting tattoos, others get piercings, other drink, other smoke. I do shit with my hair. And I haven't done anything yet. So I'm on the edge trying to do something out of the ordinary.

WORKING CLASS LADY

I'm working now. I'm pretty happy about it. I love my job and at teh same time it stinks. I'm one of those people who freaks out if someone doesn't like them. Basically, I liked everyone at work and get along with all of them. But there's one girl who basically avoids talking to me. And it really bugs me. I realized that she's probably just like me and gets along better with guys because she tends to talk to the guys more than the girls.
Or maybe I'm secretly a bitch and I don't know it. Oh well.
I get along with everyone else though. Everyone's really nice. A few low lifes and an ass hole boss (who on the first day pretty much laughed that I was going to SJSU from Mitty...prick. Now he calls me Shorty. Per...fect.) I have a boss who looks like John Krasinski...only not hot. But he has similar features.

Anyway. First month of bc is over. Now I'm on my period. It hurts.

You know what? Nickelodeon has some frickin STRANGE shows now. Like...seriously disgusting and odd. It's just really weird.
Anyway.

ITS SUMMER TIME! WOO!
AND ITS RAINING!
What the fuck summer. Seriously what the fuck.
Well I'm getting a new phone today. Yay! I have a list of phones to look at and see what I want. I want one where I can get ringtones online for free. Myxer is the best website ever but I haven't been able to use it in over a year.
Boo.

Alright I'm off. Later.