I feel like a loser trying to do something different that isn't so different from anyone. I'm just bored with myself to be honest.
I'm tired of being awkward at work haha. I'm so quiet sometimes that people don't even know I'm there. And then when I talk, I always end up saying something ridiculously awkward. ("Has anyone ever told you you look like John Krasinski?" "Meh, you're not that big. My brother's about your size." "I don't think I can do this anymore") Bah. In context, they were even more awkward, believe me. I'm just a really awkward person. I get along with the nerds and the social outcasts better than I get along with the normal people. I find it hard to talk to people that I know are...normal. If I find them to be some sort of awkward individual I get along great. I talk about my own awkward likes. I talk about gaming. I talk about my old school likes. And then, I fit my niche, and answer movie questions. I'm not the best, but I can name a fair few actors.
I'm good at my job, I'm not gonna lie. I'm still new, so I'm not great. But I'm definitely not bad. People compliment my customer service so I know that's fine. But that's just being polite to strangers. That's something I can do. It's the communicating to the people I'm confined to a 12 foot space with is what's the problem. Yeah, I get along with most people, but I've been awkward around a good chunk of them.
I'm not normal, and I get that.
I really am not what a college sophomore should be.
I like to sit and write. I like to be alone for the most part.
I get panic attacks in situations I feel I have little control over. Today I had a panic attack at work because I felt like such an outcast.I didn't let anyone know obviously but for about an hour I was shaking. Not good. Anyway...
That's my life at the moment. Being awkward. Wanting new hair. All that jazz.
Hey, you are not a loser. I mean that with all my heart. College/real life social life is so much harder than high school, I didn't imagine that to be possible. I feel where you're coming from with the awkwardness though, I find myself to be so much more of an awkward person now then I used to be. It fucking sucks. It makes me paranoid and self conscious and then things only get worse from there. I haven't been having panic attacks recently though, and i'm sorry your going through those. They're fucking horrible.
ReplyDeleteListen, I think as long as you continue to branch out next year in college things will get better for you. I mean it. Sometimes we get held back/down from past comforts and influences. I know it'll be hard to break away from your natural shyness because that's part of your personality. But remember, that you're sincere kindness and happiness stands out far more, and people see it and love you for it every time.
I love you
love you too
ReplyDeleteand thanks =)